Monday, June 22, 2009


I don't like changes. I don't like them one bit, even if there's a pretty big chance that the change will be good. See, I'm terrified of the unknown. I am most uncomfortable when I don't know what to expect or when I don't have everything all planned out. I'm a planner and a list-maker, and a control freak. But I guess God has to break me of all these things and show me that I cannot always know.

The last year or so has been really difficult for me. Especially the past three or four months. There has been so much going, including some family issues, and I haven't been spending as much time with God (which, of course, only makes things worse, not better). I have been so stressed out about my future. Because I have hopes and dreams and things that I wish could happen, but I know that God's will is better than mine. But I have a hard time discerning what exactly is His will is most of the time. So I've been really down, trying to figure out what to do now that I've graduated. After a lot of thinking and praying, I think I've finally decided to take a 2 year program at the local community college, studying early childhood development. It's not that I want to work at a daycare, because I really believe in parents raising their children instead of sending them off to daycare. But I love kids and hope to have a family someday (hopefully not too awfully far in the future), and I figure this can help me with my own children. And until I find the right guy and get married, I can always keep kids. Mom does that now, from here at home, and I help her. And while it does make me feel a lot better to have a plan, and a plan that I believe is what God wants me to do, I still have fears. In the program, I have to take a public speaking class. I am a very shy introvert, and awkward socially. My biggest fear is getting in front of people. And having to speak to them? So the devil has really been hitting me with that, trying to discourage me and give me all kinds of anxiety. But I believe that maybe I need to get out of my comfort zone.

That's so hard to say. It's so hard to realize that I need to be out of my comfort zone. But it's the truth. I was just reading on a blog today about daring to step out and take a leap of faith...facing your fears. Well, I know I can't do that on my own, but I'm hoping God is going to help me and give me some serious courage.

Last night, I caught a glimpse of the sunset out of my back window. My back window is one of my two favorite places to watch the sunset from. My room is upstairs and looks over a field behind our yard. You can see some mountains between a little valley in the trees, and the sun sets right there. It's beautiful. (My other favorite sunset-watching spot is from the front porch swing of the house that was my Granny's. The sun sort of sets over a hill there, so it looks like it's setting right into the earth.) I looked out through my curtains, and the sky was pink, purple, and blue...just lovely. And when I saw that, something made me think,"God is still God." And it hit me, no matter what happens, no matter how stressed out I get over earthly things, it really doesn't matter. God is still in control, and I can trust in Him. What a wonderful relief.

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